When You're In A Hole, Start Digging
by Loganberry
Summary: Well, the silliness quotient is improving quite satisfactorily, I feel...
1. All I Have to Do is Dream, Dream, Dream

* * *

And now for something completely different... or not, as the case may be. Don't be fooled by the somewhat familiar circumstances in which this story begins - trying to keep track of the plot in a logical manner just ain't gonna work, people. There is the occasional bit of Lapine in the story for the purposes of atmosphere, but nothing too difficult, and in any case the context should make it clear what's going on. 

* * *

**When You're in a Hole, Start Digging**

**Chapter 1: All I Have to Do is Dream, Dream, Dream**

There was, of course, a sentry at the mouth of the run, but it was Burnet, who, thought Loganberry, shouldn't be too much trouble to get past. Loganberry went up to him, with Rooli Roo following at his heels.   
  
"On lay veth hay u Naylte Rah?" he asked.   
  
"The Chief Rabbit? You c'n see 'im when 'e's ready," answered Burnet. "E's with 'is doe, see, an' 'e gave strict instructions that they weren't to be disturbed, like. 'Til then, you c'n wait 'ere. Or go back to y'burrow. Or silflay, or whatever. But you'm not seeing Beechnut-rah 'til he's good an' ready t'see you, 'kay?"  
  
"Well, of course," said Loganberry. "But it's pretty important, Burnet. Rooli Roo here needs to see him as a matter of urgency."   
  
"Why?"  
  
"He won't tell me. Says it's top secret, and only the Chief can be told. You could try asking him, seeing as how he's here."  
  
"Well?" said Burnet, looking at Rooli Roo. "Woss all that, then? C'mon, y'can tell ol' Burnet, eh?"  
  
The little kitten looked doubtful for a moment, but then spoke. "Oh, I suppose it won't do any harm to tell you now. I've been having some odd dreams, and in one of them there was a great big fox that came onto us and killed Beechnut-rah right in front of your nose. I have to warn him about it. There were other dreams, too. One of them had you in, actually."  
  
"Sounds like one of 'em Ellery Rah tales, 'fy'ask me," grunted Burnet, scratching vigorously. "All good stuff on a winter's night, an' Frith knows we'm lucky t'ave 'im watchin' over us, like. But I always reckon some of these stories're jus' plain silly. I mean, all this stuff 'bout Rowsby Woof, or that one where Rabscuttle sees that field all full of blood. Since when's 'e bin an embleer veheer, eh? Give us a good yarn like The King's Lettuce anyday. 'Least y'can get yer teeth into that'n."  
  
"Frith ven hrududu," thought Loganberry to himself, but out loud he said, "Well, you may be right. But now I hear it for myself, I can't help wondering whether Rooli Roo might be onto something. Still, if you want to send us away, that's up to you. On your own ears be it."  
  
He made as if to go, but Burnet had reached a decision. "Well, I s'pose I c'd go an' 'ave a look t'see if the Chief's able to give y'an audience. You'm gonn'ave t'be quick, though, 'cos 'e's off on a lettuce party later - says 'e's bored; wants summat t'do, I s'pose. 'Ang about while I check, 'kay?"  
  
He hopped off down the run. Loganberry and Rooli Roo looked at each other. Could it really be this easy? Rooli Roo slipped into the small alcove just inside the entrance and nosed around in the dirt until he found a carrot Burnet thought he'd hidden.  
  
"Don't you _ever_ stop eating?" asked Loganberry.  
  
"I'm a growing rabbit," answered his friend, the words almost incomprehensible through the chewing. Hearing Burnet coming back, he hastily gulped down the remains and almost choked himself. Loganberry gave him a meaningful look.  
  
"Looks like yer in luck, like," said the sentry. "The Chief's in a good mood. Not s'prisin' really, when y'think o' that Thlayonil, really - she'd make any buck sit up'n'take notice, eh?" He leered rather unpleasantly. "Anyroadup, y'd best come on down now - not one for waitin' when 'e's got summat better t'do, is our gaffer."  
  
The three rabbits made their way along the twists and turns of the warren to the deepest and most luxurious of all the burrows, where Beechnut and Thlayonil made their home. There weren't many other rabbits around, it being a glorious June morning, but one or two stopped to pass the time of day with Burnet, who was generally thought of as an asset to the warren: he might not be the sharpest thorn on the bush, but when it really counted he seemed to have a knack of doing the right thing.  
  
At length, they came to the Chief's burrow. The guard (who happened to be Elderberry) stood aside and in they went. Thlayonil was not there, but Beechnut raised his somewhat large form and came over to meet the newcomers.  
  
"Ah," he said. "Hazel, isn't it?"  
  
"Actually, I'm Loganberry, Beechnut-rah. And I'm sure you know Rooli Roo here."  
  
"Oh really, Loganberry, must we have those ridiculous nicknames still? He's getting on for three months old now, you know - surely he's long past the time of silly games. What's wrong with Worcesterberry, for heaven's sake?"  
  
"A lay nahl varu me," muttered Rooli Roo under his breath, but just loud enough to be heard.  
  
"Whyever not?" asked the Chief. "As I recall, one of our best fighters a couple of years ago was called Worcesterberry. Tremendous asset to the warren, he was. Saved us more than once, I should say - terrible shock when he got done in by a cat. You never knew him, of course, but he was a real hero. I can't see why you shouldn't like the name; actually, you ought to feel honoured."  
  
"It's just silly," mumbled Rooli Roo, "stupid plants-" but Loganberry nudged him into silence.  
  
"Anyway," said Beechnut, "Burnet told me you had something terribly important to say to me. Out with it, then."  
  
Rooli Roo explained about his dreams, but as he went on he could see the Chief Rabbit losing the little interest he had started with. He trailed off, and glanced at Loganberry, who returned his gaze with a look of resignation.  
  
"I think we'd better go now, Beechnut-rah," he said. "Thank you for letting us see you, and... and I hope you'll think about what I said."  
  
"Oh yes, of course," said Beechnut, already falling back into a contented doze. 


	2. The Lutrine Belle

* * *

Now, _this_ chapter is where things start to get _really_ silly! From now on, don't expect things to be remotely sensible, all right?  
One little note: in Burnet's vaguely Black Country accent, "day" means "didn't". 

* * *

**When You're in a Hole, Start Digging**

**Chapter 2: The Lutrine Belle**

The two young bucks left the burrow fairly quickly, having been advised by Burnet that "'might be a good idea, y'know, if you'm out the way 'fore Thlayonil gets back, like, or 'er's gonna be askin' what you'm doin' round 'ere, sort o' thing." Pausing only to nibble slightly at a small pile of dry grass that had appeared outside the burrow entrance, they made their way down to the nearby stream, where they hopped around somewhat lazily until Loganberry heard a familiar chirping.  
  
"Oh, hi Looty," he said. "Where are you off to?"  
  
"School," replied the otter cub shortly. "Want to come with me?"  
  
Loganberry was about to decline, but Rooli Roo got in first. "Oh yeah!" he exclaimed excitedly. "I haven't been to school for a while."  
  
"That's because you were thrown out for eating in class," pointed out Loganberry.  
  
"I know. It's terribly unfair: I'm hardly the only kitten to have done that."  
  
"But three whole lettuces? In one go?"  
  
"I'm a growing rabbit."  
  
"You certainly are."  
  
By this time the three friends had squelched their way through the shallow mud along the riverbank almost to the mouth of the school-hole, but their way was suddenly blocked by a large and none too friendly-looking dog otter.  
  
"Holt! Who goes there?" he demanded.  
  
"Come on Pebble, you know me," said Looty. "And these two rabbits are my friends: they're coming to class with me. You know we're all right."  
  
"What I know," responded Pebble, "is that I have to challenge all intruders. Trust no-one, they said. It's a dog's life in the army, they said. Mens sana in corpore sano, they said. Give the pass symbol, and look lively about it."  
  
"Seventh seal," said Looty rather wearily.  
  
"Pass, friends."  
  
"What does that mean?" asked Rooli Roo as they made their way along the holt's tunnels.  
  
"What, seal? It's just another word for an otter's footpr-"  
  
"No, no. I know that. I meant 'seventh'."  
  
"Comes after sixth."  
  
"And what's that?"  
  
Looty cast about for a way to explain. "Well, how do you count the places when you have a race?" he asked.  
  
"I don't go in for racing. Takes the edge off my appetite," said Rooli Roo emphatically.  
  
"Well, all right. But just say you _did_ - how would you count the finishers?"  
  
"Easy: ethile, sithile, desthile, kesthile, hraithile."  
  
"Okay. But what comes after 'hraithile'?"  
  
"Hraithile."  
  
"And after that?"  
  
"Hraithile."  
  
"And after _that_?"  
  
"Hraithile."  
  
Looty gave up. "Oh, just forget it. Bloody stupid lagomorphs," he added under his breath.  
  
By this time they were going quite fast, as Looty had realised that he was a little bit late, and thanks to Rooli Roo not looking where he was going, they all tumbled into the classroom in a heap of rather bedraggled fur. The teacher, Plantain, looked at them. She didn't say anything about the performance, but then she hardly needed to.  
  
"Sorry I'm late, Plantain," said Looty. "These rabbits are Loganberry and Rooli Roo - I think I've told you about them before. They'd like to sit in on the lesson, if it's all right with you. They're very interested in how other animals learn," he lied.  
  
"Ye-es. I've heard a lot about you, Rooli Roo," said Plantain carefully. "I suppose we can accommodate them for a while. Anyway, Looty, as you seem so keen to make an impression today, you'd better be the one to answer the first question. Please tell me the First Law of Furmodynamics."  
  
Looty looked relieved: this was his favourite subject. "Meat is work and work is meat," he answered.  
  
"Quite right. The most important rule of all: if you want food, then you have to get out there and hunt for it. No use spending your days sliding around on the banks if you're not prepared to put in some serious effort. Now then, who can give us all the _Second_ Law?"  
  
Rooli Roo jumped up and down: "me! me! me!" (Loganberry rolled his eyes), but was ignored. Plantain's eyes alighted on a small bitch-cub who had curled up in a dark corner of the den.  
  
"Pondweed!" she said sharply, awaking the sleeping cub, who looked up guiltily to a chorus of amused whickering from her classmates. "As you seem to be so comfortable with us today, I'm sure you can impress everyone with your knowledge of the Second Law of Furmodynamics. Hmmm?"  
  
Pondweed was still only half-awake. "Er... um... Second... of... yes..."  
  
"It's the one that explains why you can't just expect other animals to give you their food," prompted Plantain with great patience.  
  
"Oh yes," said Pondweed. "It's... er... meat... that... I know it... from..." she trailed off into silence.  
  
"Doesn't look like it, does it?" said Plantain. "Pondweed, you can stop behind afterwards and help me brush up the playbank's spraintwork. Now, our young lapine visitor" (she glanced at Rooli Roo, trying hard to avoid discovering exactly what he was doing to the far wall) "seems to be rather more enthusiastic than most of you, but I would like an answer. _Anyone?_ Oh well, I suppose this is another one for you, Looty."  
  
Looty looked a little smug as he gave the correct definition: "Meat cannot of itself pass from one body to an otter's body."  
  
The lesson continued without further incident for some time, but eventually Rooli Roo's scratching brought down a quantity of noisome mud on top of both him and Plantain, and it was suggested, in so many words, that it might be an idea if the rabbits discovered some other pressing engagement. Elsewhere. Now.  
  
"I can't take you anywhere, can I?" complained Loganberry as they hurried out.  
  
* * *  
  
Things were little better at home. Burnet, seeing the rabbits return, lumbered up to them, and spoke with what by his standards passed for urgency.  
  
"You'm in trouble, like," he said. "'Chief's bin onto me, an' e's bin tellin' me in no uncertain terms, sort o' thing, that 'e wants t'see y'in the Great Burrow, an' 'e day soun' very 'appy 'bout it, either, like. Says y've bin at 'is best grass, an' scarin' the kittens by comin' up b'hind 'em an' pretendin' t'be bloody great 'are or summat. 'E's not 'appy, really. I'd goo in right now, like."  
  
Beechnut was waiting for them with a look of resigned annoyance which Rooli Roo, in particular, had seen rather more often than he might have liked during his short life. Beside him was the beautiful Thlayonil, who as ever gave an impression of utter calmness and serenity.  
  
"Really, Loganberry," began Beechnut. "I'm surprised at you, frankly. It's hardly the first time I've seen Worcesterberry here (Rooli Roo winced at the name), but I'd have thought _you'd_ know rather better than to get involved in such stupid things. Of course jokes and tricks are part of what makes us rabbits - why, when I were a kitten we thought nothing of hopping hrair fields every day, uphill, in the snow, and then back again, hrair times, just to lead our friends off the scent of a dandelion. And we didn't have all these Great Burrows in those days, I can tell you. No, we had to make our own scrapes and damn well like it. And we still had enough left for a portion of cowslip on the way back."  
  
Loganberry and Rooli Roo glanced at each other. They'd heard all this before.  
  
The Chief Rabbit remembered himself. "But anyway. I really cannot condone this sort of behaviour, especially when it undermines my authority."  
  
"But what are we supposed to have been _doing?_" pleaded Loganberry.  
  
"Eating my grass!"  
  
"Hay!"  
  
"Looking like a hare!"  
  
"Eh?"  
  
"Eating my grass and looking like a hare. You're a buffoon!"  
  
"But-" began Loganberry, but Thlayonil spoke for the first time in her heart-melting silky voice.  
  
"Oh really, Beechy-roo," she said. "Does it really matter? It's not as if they've been fighting or spreading dissension, is it? I'm sure they've learnt their lesson now, hmmm?"  
  
The two accused bucks looked at each other, desperately trying not to let their feelings about "Beechy-roo" become plain. Had Lord Frith thought to bless rabbits with the gift of laughter, things might have gone rather harder with them, but in the event their silent mirth was contained, and the Chief, after a somewhat perfunctory lecture about respect and hierarchy, drifted slowly once more into his accustomed doze, alongside his accustomed doe.  
  
Pausing only to purloin another of Burnet's ever-decreasing (in number) hoard of carrots, the ever increasing (in girth) Rooli Roo bounded out of the warren's main entrance, and stopped dead. For there, not more than twenty yards away, was an enormous hare. And it was staring directly at him. 


End file.
